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Ivan came home with a bloody nose
and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.“
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan.
"I have his ear in my pocket."
The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.
As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon.
So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation.
"All who want to go to heaven, please rise."
Everyone got up except the snorer.
After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced,
"All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."
Awaking with a start ， the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpi——
"Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on,
but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."